death & life

it was about 4am when i woke up for no particular reason. if you know my sleeping habits at all, that is very unlike me to wake up in the middle of the night, and not be able to go back to sleep. i don't really know why the spirit of god wanted me to hear the snapping of that mouse trap about 10 minutes after i woke up.

i was lying on my bed, thinking about the video i saw in my clinical group work course earlier that day. it was a group of patients with metastatic breast cancer. apparently, that particular research showed that women who involves themselves with a supportive group where they are able to talk about their experiences and feelings would outlive those without a group by 18 months! amidst my ponderings, i started thinking about mom and those who have gone before me. i started praying for people who are sick, and my dear friend who i hear is recovering well at the hospital. i started thinking about my fears, and the love of god which is stronger yet!

so there was a second part to the story of the mice (yes, plural... unfortunately). it was probably a bit past 5:30am, because the sun was out, and i was still in bed... thinking, pondering, reflecting. suddenly, i heard the mouse trap shaking continuously, causing me to shake in bed and yelling "OH NO"! i thought in my horror that the mouse was suffering in pain during all that time. it turned out that there was another mouse there trying to do something about the death. that made me even more sad.

when we die, i wonder what kind of an image we'll leave for our families and friends.

so here's something from henri nouwen:

"dying with grateful hearts", taken from bread for the journey

we often wonder how death will occur for us. through illness, accident, war, or a natural disaster? will our deaths happen suddenly or gradually? there are no answers for these questions, so we really should not spend time worrying about them. we don't know how our lives will end, and this is a blessed ignorance! but there is an important question that we should consider: when our time to die comes, will we die in such a way that those we leave behind will not be devastated by grief or left with feelings of shame or guilt?

how we leave others depends largely on how we prepare ourselves for death. when we are able to die with grateful hearts, grateful to god and our families and friends, our deaths can become sources of life for others.